Welcome and Elaine’s Background

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Fulfilled Leader Podcast, the podcast to strengthen your emotional resilience and find fulfillment at work. I'm your host, Jean Belfour. In this podcast, we have conversations about the psychological and emotional struggles of leadership. You're going to hear neuroscience, psychology, leadership models, and evidence-based approaches that all have an impact in helping you be a resilient and fulfilled leader. Hi, and welcome to the Fulfilled Leader. I'm very happy to welcome my dear friend Elaine Robinson to the podcast today. Welcome, Elaine. Hi, thank you. Elaine is the principal of Sir Manasseh Mayer International School here in Singapore. And she is a dynamic and compassionate school leader with over 25 years of professional experience both in the private and state education sectors in the UK and overseas. I've seen firsthand how Elaine leads with vision and drive to build exceptional schools that are committed to continuous improvement, student progress, and holistic well-being. Elaine's been in this role for nine years and led through a lot, but particularly COVID, which was very challenging in the education sector. And also, as she will share, she has experienced a personal trauma over the last few years, and she's going to share with us how to lead through very challenging personal circumstances. So welcome again, Elaine.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Thank you, and thank you for those really kind words. And I'm absolutely thrilled to be here. Thank you for the invitation.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

That's my pleasure. They're all true. So let me invite you to share a bit about yourself, about your role, and a bit about perhaps what leadership in education means to you.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Yeah. As you said, I've been in education for about 25 years. I grew up in the UK, and it was clear to me from very early on that education was something that was really, you know, the where my career was going. I thought I would stay in informal education, and I was funded to do some studying at some point. And then when I came back to the UK, the funders said, Why don't you try teaching? And I said, Absolutely not for me. They said, just give it a go. So I went for an interview at a school and I walked into the classroom for my demonstration lesson. And I was like, this is home. A school is where I need to be. So I mean, that I was, you know, in my late 20s at that point, and I haven't looked back. I love being in the education sector, and I love being in schools. Um, and what what leadership in education means to me, it's really, first of all, it's like a juggling. I'm juggling all the time. I've got multiple stakeholders, multiple people that I need to answer to, and it is a crazy juggling act. But I would say, and I always say it is really and truly the best job in the world. I am driven in this role. I'm definitely aligned. I am definitely in the right profession because I feel that this is how you make change in the world. I think that schools, because kids have to come to school, right? They're not choosing to be here. So creating an environment in a school that empowers young people enables them to see themselves as change makers in the world. I care deeply about the future of young people. I care deeply about the world. I do have a strong vision. And I, you know, for me, it's not a job, it's a way of life. Teaching is a way of life, being an educator, and it's an honor to be the head of a school because you get to set the vision. I mean, obviously, not alone and teamwork, and we'll talk about that a little bit later. Teamwork is so crucial to the success of any school. As I say, I care very deeply about the work that I do. And in leadership, in education, you also have to take a risk. Ben A. Brown says, you have to dare to lead, you have to make difficult decisions all the time. You make mistakes sometimes, and that's okay. You pick yourself up and you carry on. Hopefully, the mistakes are not too huge. That's how I see the leadership in the education world. I feel very passionate, you can hear. I feel very passionate about what I do. And it's exciting, never a dull moment. Um, you know, you might be working on one thing and then left field comes like COVID, and then you're working on something completely different, and you're in a completely different um field. You know, educators are face to face, and then all of a sudden we were online. So that was a completely, you know, that was a left field.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Yeah.

COVID pivots and compassion under pressure

SPEAKER_00 5:00

So yeah. I remember talking with you during COVID about the challenge of teachers having to teach in masks. And I remember thinking how, you know, there were so many challenges through COVID of being online. But in many ways, that felt to me as I started my career as a teacher, is perhaps one of the hardest things because the way we engage kids, the way we connect with children is often through facial expressions or smile, yeah. And how hard it must have been for people.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

One of the things that I, you know, I look back on this time, and um one of the things that's that really sticks out in my mind. So we pivoted, and thankfully, we pivoted really, really quickly. Thankfully, all of our online systems were already in place, and literally within two days, we were up and running. So that was fantastic. Um, but probably on day one or two of our online schooling, I got an email from a parent saying, please can you tell teacher X XYZ that that is not how she should be teaching? She needs to be given training on how to teach online. This is on day one of COVID or day two of COVID. And I'm like, Yes, we all need to learn how to do that. But, you know, we're talking about compassionate leadership. Let's be compassionate towards everybody at this point. This is a totally unknown how fantastic that we are online. And let's be compassionate with our teachers who are also in trauma, right? Because we don't know what's happening in COVID. But they're rocking up every day and they are teaching their children. And let's just ease into this and let's be kind and compassionate to everybody.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

So very important. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's move into that now because we are going to talk about compassionate leadership today, because that's right at the heart of your leadership values. Can you say about what it means in your context?

SPEAKER_01 7:01

So we're a school and we have many different um departments. Of course, we've got the faculty, we've got the admin staff, we've got the cleaners, we've got the security, we've got the premises team. And one thing that I hold dear to me, and I, you know, continuously remind all of my staff and my leadership team is that at the end of the day, we're all human beings. We're human beings. And we should treat people as we want to be treated ourselves. We treat our friends with kindness and compassion, I hope. And so too, in work, we should treat everybody that we come in contact with with kindness and compassion. And that's true for the children that we teach, um, the parents that come to school, the cleaners that might be cleaning up, and in our context, the helpers that often come and drop off the children to our school. So it's remembering those things. And then it's the simple things that become the big thing, you know, the small things that become the big things. Um, saying good morning to people, asking people how they are in the morning. And I think that that's something that's really, really important. Something that I remind staff of at the beginning of every school year is that we only see the tip of the iceberg of any person at any given time. So I might say, Good morning, Jean, how are you? You might say to me in a proper British New Zealand way, um, yeah, I'm fine, thanks, how are you? And I might say, I'm fine, thank you. But actually, the three hours before I came to school, I might have had all sorts of things happening to me in the same way that that's true of the children, of my staff, etc., etc. So be conscious that we're only seeing the tip of the mountain, we don't know what is going on, you know, everywhere else. And so I always ask my staff to meet each other with love and to talk to each other with love and to treat each other with kindness at all times. Um, and I think well-being of the students and well-being of my staff are incredibly important to me. And we I have created that culture that we know that that is really, really important. I think it's really important that we have created safe space for people to be themselves at work. Um, we've got a new member of staff, and she said on her master's degree they didn't call it safe space, but rather they called it bold space. Be bold. Yeah, right. Come come to this conversation and feel safe to be bold. I'm very open, I'm very transparent, I'm very honest, I'm very respectful, and that's what I expect from all of my staff as well. And sometimes I will say to people, why are you talking to me like that? Because it's it doesn't feel right. All of those things I think come together in terms of compassionate leadership. Just one more thing before you ask me your next question, because you know, I just mentioned Renee Brown, but I also at the beginning of a school year talk about Parker Palmer and in his book, The Courage to Teach, which we would say is quite an old book now. But having for a teacher to come to school every day and to be themselves in the classroom, it's not a theatre, it's not a drama, it's not, we're not acting. We are human beings. Um, and I think that's really

Defining compassionate leadership in schools

SPEAKER_01 10:30

important, you know, that we have the courage to turn up and we have the courage to be ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

I couldn't agree more because not just for that teacher, for that individual, because then they feel that they're able to bring themselves, they are then modeling for these precious young people what that means and how they can also discover who they are and who their their kind of identity is as it's forming, even in those years. 100%. They see teachers being themselves that gives them permission to work out who they are and to be themselves too.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Right. And to not be ashamed of feelings or emotions that might bubble up at some point during the day because we're all human and we all have a life outside what is happening now. That's something that's very important. Some of our teachers, when a child goes into the school, into the classroom, there's a whole load of emotions that are written down. And a child can come in and the teacher will say, Hi, good morning, John, and how are you feeling today? And John would take out that little thing that says, I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling tired, I'm feeling seen, I'm feeling sad. And you know, just acknowledging that we're all coming in with feelings.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Nice, nice.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

It's really important, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Yeah, and actually, my experience is it is that it's felt in the school. So I know that when I walk in there, right from my encounter with the security team, uh, there's a warmth there right from that minute at that door, and that carries right the way through.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Which is good to hear, and you know, something that we work on really, really hard to ensure. I mean, it's just it's it's being aligned, just ensuring that we are aligned. I am aligned with my vision, I am aligned with my institution, all of the staff are aligned, and if they don't feel the same vision or the passion, then this might not be the right place for them to work. Um, so yeah. Great. Oh, fantastic. I should say we are driven by results as well. Um, but at the heart of what we do, we results with care and compassion.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

Well, I would believe that if there's care and compassion, it's easier for the results to emerge, actually, because people feel safe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Exactly. That's a beautiful way of continuing it, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

In the spirit of that, where you are leading with compassion, how do you balance the demands of accountability and results in the school setting? So, I mean, you have many, many stakeholders. You have the children, the staff, the trustees, the parents, um, you, you know, yourself, their families, the community. Yeah. How do you balance that need for compassion?

SPEAKER_01 13:16

I think it's a great question. I think that things that I keep in my heart are, you know, being honest and transparent and kind and compassionate, and being clear about expectations as well, being clear with people about what their targets and aims are for any academic year. So that we're all on the same page from right from the beginning. I would say to you, Gene, I hope you're good, I hope everything's fine. This is what I need you to achieve this year. Is this realistic? Is this reasonable? And sometimes a staff member might not perform. And then that staff member, you know, might be might I might have a conversation with and come into my office. Why is this not happening? Why, you know, again, open, honest, transparent conversation. Sometimes conversations become fierce. We have fierce conversations, but there's no, I don't have fear about fierce conversations. Um, but we set expectations. We might then say, why are they not being met? Why are these expectations not being met kindly? We might put in place some support, we might put in place some coaching, we might change the expectations because let's say the member of staff is going through a tough time at home, divorce, whatever it might be. Um, so there is a fine balance. Uh, two examples come to mind, and they're COVID examples about how to treat people with compassion and keep the accountability of their performance. So one member of staff, his father sadly passed away during COVID. And as you know, the rules and regulations in Singapore were such that if you left and you wanted to come back right at the beginning of COVID, that was really, really difficult. Um, and included many weeks of um isolation and it would, you know, it was complicated. And as much as I would have wanted to say to this member of staff, please go, come back when you're ready, we'll hold the position open to you on all of those things that my heart wanted to say. Of course, we couldn't do that. We could not do that. Um, we couldn't say to a member of staff, you can go, and we don't mind if you don't come back, because he was teaching a class. Um, so we had to say, we will let you go, of course you can go, but it won't affect your bonus. We understand that this is, you know, a situation, we will still honour that for you, but we can't keep your position open. You'll have to make that tough choice yourself. And so, and then we had to replace him. So that's one example. Another example is that a member of staff, this was pre-COVID, and a member of staff just didn't turn up to work one day. And we couldn't get hold of her from, like, say Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then Thursday, she came back to work. And when HR chatted to her as to where she had been, because she had gone A-Wall, um, she admitted that her very long-term live-in partner had broken up. They'd broken up over the weekend, she did not know what to do, and she fled home to her parents. And again, like, okay, I can be compassionate because that is really, really tough. That is life-changing for that member of staff. And at the same time, I needed somebody to teach, you know. So it's difficult. You do you need to hold people accountable. And sometimes um people are not going to be happy, and that's the difficult role of the principal or the leader. Sometimes you're going to have to make decisions andor choices. I think we gave that member of staff a warning letter and nothing more, but you do have to make difficult choices. And I think there's always a balance. You know, there's always a balance of what is right for the school, what is right for each member of staff, and that's why we have policies in place. You know, not everybody is going to be happy with the policy, but a policy is something that I or HR can fall back on when you know HR often tells me that I've got too much hard or I'm too

Balancing care with accountability and results

SPEAKER_01 17:30

confessional. You know, this is why we've got policies in place. And that's true, and sometimes we need to make exceptions. My trustees are an excellent sounding board for me. They are brilliant, successful, experienced members of you know, Singapore community and industry from very various different businesses. Um, and they always remind me that whatever I do for one member of staff, I will then maybe have to do again for another member of staff. And it's not good leadership to make the exception that is then seen as a precedent. Um, look at the long game, be consistent, be transparent. I mean, they are really, really helpful when I have these difficult, tricky, human decisions to make. And sometimes, if staff are underachieving, they need to be moved on. You know, sometimes they are just in the wrong place or in the wrong profession, but the ways there are ways of delivering that. Um, you know, it shouldn't be a surprise. We should have gone through coaching conversations. I should have said in line management meetings, look, you're not meeting this expectation or that's not going so well. And it's difficult. I've had to make very difficult decisions, I've had to, you know, move staff on, and it's difficult. And it's done with kindness and compassion, I think. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

Yeah. I mean, as you're talking about it, I'm kind of feeling this juggling, this tension that we have to hold. So if we're committed to compassionate leadership and we're committed to high standards and accountability, and which we should be in every organization, it does make the job a bit harder in some ways, because we've got to work at how do we hold that tension between those two things. And yet, and we know we know from the research as well, when we do that, it increases staff engagement, which presumably increases the school performance. It's just that as leaders, we need to be prepared to put that deep thought into how do I have these difficult conversations that are about holding somebody accountable in a compassionate way and really be committed to that.

SPEAKER_01 19:41

So, I mean, I have had to learn how to have those difficult conversations. And you came into our school at the beginning of last academic year, and we did with the senior team at the beginning of the year, you know, how to have those difficult conversations or those fierce conversations. And sometimes I might say to one of my other senior leaders, I need to role-play this. I need I'm going into a very difficult conversation, and I need to role-play it with you because it's going to be difficult. And I'm very grateful to you for all the work that you've done here at the school. And that's something that in particular is very practical. And I'll talk about my senior team soon, I guess. You've got to have the right team around you.

SPEAKER_00 20:21

Well, perhaps do you want to talk about that now? Say a bit about your team and how you build that.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

Yeah, you don't lead in a vacuum. You're not a silo. I mean, sometimes leadership is a bit lonely. You know, at the social events, nobody really wants to sit with the principal of the school because you're the leader and they just want to have fun. So it is a bit lonely. But having the right people in the right jobs is absolutely key. And at the beginning of this year, we talked about teamwork and dysfunctions and functions of a team. You know, we all come to a team on a professional level with many different skills and different ideas. Um, and that's what's so important that everybody has a different role to play in the team. And we need to be able to rely on each other and we need to make sure that we've got the same vision for the school. You know, we talk about continuous improvement in the school, and we need to all be on the same page, and we all need to hold each other accountable to ensure that we are all working, rowing in the same direction. And I think that's really, really important that we can rely on each other. We've got each other's backs, and we are all working at the same level, the same passion. Because, you know, it's like you know, like a daisy chain we used to make when we were little. If one of the if one of the flowers, if one of the daisies has gone, the link is broken. And how can we move forwards if that, even if one of the links is broken? I love my team. I am blessed. I'm so thankful. Um, you know, they're amazing, each one of them amazing. Human beings.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

I think this in schools is perhaps I mean, it's so critical, this the quality of teen. And as you were, it reminded me of my my best ever experience of working in a team, in a big team, was in a school. And we would we were teaching in an environment where there was a very low socioeconomic uh families living living really in very, very, very difficult circumstances. So the kids would come to school some days in a lot of distress. And as teachers, it was very challenging. But it was in that team, the way we work together as teachers, that we were able to hold each other together. So, you know, I sort of imagine that for you, you know, if if a a teacher's having a difficult experience with a child or with uh with something that's happening, as long as they've got other people alongside them that there that can support them, they can talk to, then that is going to make a massive difference in their experience of work.

SPEAKER_01 23:00

And somebody else can step in. You know, in every interview, I always say to people, what are we looking for in a member of staff? I'm looking for somebody who will pull up their sleeves and just get on with it. Um, and it might not be on their job description, but if I want somebody, or we want somebody for the betterment of the school to do X, Y, or Z, I want somebody who's going to say, Yeah, that's a great idea, let's do it. Or come with me with the great idea. Yeah, I think teamwork is really, really important and looking out for each other is really important.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

Yeah, great. And you've talked a bit about the compassion and empathy and helping people be safe to bring themselves to work. How do you help people do that? What practices and habits do you build to create that environment?

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Um, so I make it my business to go and say hello to everybody each day. I don't always get to do that, but I do like to go into every classroom. I like to go in and say hello to the teacher, I like to go in and say hello to the students every day. I'm always outside my office in the morning. The atrium of the school is called the heart space. I'm always out there, I'm greeting parents, I'm greeting the children, I'm greeting the staff. So that's really, really important to me. I like that personal interaction first thing in the morning. We have a very strong staff well-being committee here at the school, and that is something that we really, really commit to, not only

Building a resilient senior team culture

SPEAKER_01 24:30

funding fun activities for staff, but you know, really making sure that staff have got somewhere to go if there's something on their mind, um, access to the school counselor, if that's something that they feel that they need. It's important that staff know that they can give us feedback. So we reach out and we gather feedback as a lot. I think staff, and I hope that staff know that I'm very open to feedback and that they can come and talk to me. My my door is open and they can come and talk to me. Again, sometimes people are not going to be happy. And I think just owning that and saying, you know, I know that you're not happy with this decision or with this choice or this something's that's happened, and I understand that that might be disappointing for you. Please understand I'm leading a school and there are other things that I need to take into account. And just being very honest. Um, you know, we talk to the students about Carol Dweck and having a growth mindset, and I say the same to the staff and to myself, you know, it's the power of yet. We can't maybe achieve this yet. Or I might have made a mistake and I'm sorry. And just being honest and transparent about that. Mistakes are inevitable for myself, for other people. So I suppose there's some of the habits and practices. I think the human interaction, you know, counts for any everything. And I think that's something that's really important. The accessibility of myself and the senior team is really important, you know, and to the parents as well. Really, really important. My office is right in the heart space of the school. It's got glass windows, it's like a fishbowl. Everybody can see what I'm doing, I can see what everybody's doing. I wave at people. I love it when the kids walk past and wave at me, and I wave and smile and give them a heart. You know, it's that kind of it's a very warm place to work. We've created a very beautiful and very unique school. And I think because of that achievement aspect.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

So much of what you're describing is about you role modeling that consistently every day. So, so you are the embodiment of the values of the way you want people to be in the school. And this is so important because everybody will look to you for those micro moments. And what you're describing is your intention, and you won't always get this right because you're human, but your intention in those moments is to embody how you would like other people to be being in the school, both the children and the teachers and the other staff.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

So I was listening to your podcast last week or the week before about school and how school impacts your own, it transfers into your own leadership later in life. Um, and actually, what I would say on that is when I was a child, I had an amazing head teacher. And then from having, in fact, two amazing head teachers, my primary school headteacher, who was just this lovely warm man, my secondary school, the same, very open, very transparent, very empowering, very respectful of the students. And then my first teaching job, the head teacher, a school of a thousand kids, the head teacher knew every student's name, which is remarkable. Again, open-hearted, empathetic, wonderful human being. And then my last school, where I was the deputy head, again, a very large secondary school in the UK, the head teacher was an English church priest and was an amazing human being. And he taught me by role modeling, being an amazing, compassionate, but clear, um, compassionate leader as a head teacher. And he was really, you know, uh an amazing role model to me.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

The power of role modeling. Absolutely. From when we're little. And that just goes right back to that. Yeah. We we're going to shift now to your personal story. So the last three years have been incredibly difficult for you personally, and you've continued to lead throughout. It's been an extraordinary to watch how you've led through this personal crisis. Can you share a little bit about your story? And I appreciate this is incredibly painful and raw. So we'll we'll go with you in where you are able to go.

SPEAKER_01 28:52

Yeah. So let's see what I can actually say. Um, so my husband um was given a devastating diagnosis in January of 2022, and this was at the end of the two years of COVID. So life had been quite kind of isolating, I suppose, or the challenges of leadership through COVID had just kind of come to an end, or were coming to an end. Richard was given a you know, a devastating prognosis of his cancer diagnosis. Um, and that diagnosis was given to him on a Friday, the beginning of the school term, was coming then on the Monday. And I was thinking, in preparation of our conversation today, I remembered then that I turned up to work that Monday. And I was thinking, what was I thinking? Was I in shock? I mean, yes, of course I was, but was I in shock? What made me come to school? And I remember that there were new rules just brought in for COVID from the Singapore government, whereby every member of staff, we were back at school, but every member

Everyday practices that create safety and trust

SPEAKER_01 30:00

Of staff every Monday morning had to come in and do a COVID test. And I felt that I needed to turn up to be there for the beginning of that whole new process and to greet my staff at the beginning of a new semester. COVID was kind of slowly behind us, but it was still COVID days, and I felt an enormous feeling of responsibility to be here and to show up. And one of my wonderful senior teams said to me yesterday, only yesterday, when I was talking about the last three years, she said, and what is remarkable is that you have turned up every day.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

It is remarkable. I mean, it's been extraordinary to watch how you've led compassionately and dug deep, I think, into your strength, as you've also been in this very challenging personal situation. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:56

Um so I suppose just maybe a few details that you know about how I showed compassion to myself, I suppose, and to my you know two teenage children who were also at the school. Um and I think part of my showing up was really for them to show them that we can, that we live through trauma, yeah, you know, that we live through trauma, we show up, it's okay not to be okay, all of those things, and to reach out to our support network, which you know, the school community has held us up, like literally has at times.

SPEAKER_00 31:40

So I've witnessed that. I've witnessed that the community have been really unbelievably supportive for you during this time. And I've also seen, I think, I think this is an interesting thing for us as leaders, that there's kind of two things. One is having the ability to carry on leading, but the also the other thing was having the compassion to yourself on those days where you needed to walk out of school and just go home, so that you didn't have that pressure, that you needed to carry on just pretending it wasn't happening. And everybody knew there was no hiddenness. So you you also embodied all the values that you have about bringing yourself to work. And I'm sure that people who you were leading through this period, which you're still leading through, because you're still in the grief phase of life, will look and and feel inspired and grateful to how you've been during this time.

SPEAKER_01 32:41

I think you're absolutely right. I think you know, self-compassion for me, what was important, there were certain days where I said to my staff, I am not going to be in school, do not be in touch with me at all. Like, don't tease me, don't email me. If I'm going to certain appointments with my husband, you know, that is where my head is. Do not disturb me. And I was very clear. Um, and in that first year, um, Richard's chemo was very, very long. It was kind of six, six hours of chemo, so it was a full day. And then the next day I would work from home and then I would, you know, head back into work. So there were ways that I could work from home, know that I was going to be able to be in school, or just tell my staff that this was a day that I was not going to be able to show up on any level because I wanted to be fully present for Richard. Um and staff know that, you know, staff knew that, and my senior team were amazing. It was important that staff were updated. So one of my VPs gave updates about where we as a family were at, particularly because of the boys, because the boys are in school and they needed support, but also so that staff knew how I was, you know, they could see. Again, I look back on this time and I can see myself sitting in my office looking fine, which is quite remarkable to me that I turned up quite so often. Um, but it was important for staff to know, you know, I would delegate all sorts of things that I just did not have the capacity. There were things that I had to ask other people to do. Things that probably didn't happen last academic year because I was not in that space that I could do it. Nothing, nothing crucial to the functioning of the school, but it's about prioritizing and about knowing what I can and can't do. But that is what I felt was important. Lots of people kept saying to me, why don't you take more time off work? Why don't you take a leave of absence? Why don't you do this XYZ? And I felt actually that what was important to me for the, and this is personal for me, the routine and the distraction of my job kept me upright. My community here in school, the school community, incredible. You know, boxes of tea would arrive on my desk or a little heart or somebody would leave something, or somebody would just come in and say, I want to give you a hug, which is, you know, amazing. And that was important to me. And I suppose at the same time, I yeah, show compassion to myself and know what was okay for me, not what's not okay for me, and and take care of myself. That was difficult. That's difficult because at the best of times, being ahead of school is very, very difficult. Then I think of two years of COVID, very, very difficult. Three and a half years of my husband's illness, beyond incredibly difficult. But I also feel a deep responsibility to the leadership role that I am in. And that's something that Richard used to say to me a lot. You see, he said, you know, you you have a job to do. I always knew that I would take time off when I needed to take time off. And I did have a job to do, and I'm a leader

The personal crisis: leading through a spouse’s illness

SPEAKER_01 36:00

in the community, and I I wanted to show up. And it was important to me. And again, I would say the trustees were incredibly, incredibly supportive. They showed themselves profound compassion towards me and my husband and my children, and that really helped a lot that I wasn't worried about my job. I was able to, I suppose, take care of my husband, take care of my home life, and then take care of the school. Um, and you know, I look back on the school year last year, which was the particularly difficult time for me when my husband passed away. Um the the school itself had a fantastic year. You know, the end of school assembly, and I didn't feel up to leading the assembly, but I wrote it and one of my colleagues read it. It was a fantastic year for the school. The GCSE results were amazing, the amount of activities that we did were fantastic, the school growth was amazing. So it's about leaning on people around. That's what I did. I and I I knew that I could trust them to get the job done. And if I wasn't able to make decisions and they made decisions, and if they made decisions that I wasn't happy with, that's fine as well.

SPEAKER_02 37:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:18

I'm so struck by how we're talking about compassionate leadership in this podcast. And because of how you had built the six years prior to Richard's diagnosis, you had built a school that already had strong values, but you built on those strong values of compassion and empathy and teing. And then because of that, when you were in a personally difficult place, those values, the those behaviors were just present, and people were just carried them on and able to take care of you in a very beautiful way so that you could continue to care for them, so you could continue to lead. And and it is remarkable. I've watched on, I'm one of those people who sometimes said, Oh, shouldn't you take more time off? And it's clearly actually been the right thing for you to do it in that way, to lead in that way. And I think there's a lesson for all of us about we have to do work from ourselves. It goes back to that piece that we have to be able to bring ourselves to work and lead and do work in the way that is best for us. And for you, as you said, that was to carry on leading.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

Yeah. So absolutely. And in the weeks after Richard's passing, obviously we went back to the UK, which is where the funeral and all the rituals took place. I came back to school probably five weeks after. Um, it was the we had a school break, but then I came back to school. I sent the boys back to school for a week, and I stayed at home for that first week so that they could get back to school. And then I came back the following week, which was possibly too early. You know, in retrospect, looking back, I might have given myself more time. However, what I did do was give myself a phased return, you know, so that the week that I did come back to school was a half day. So I came in later and I left earlier. And, you know, it was just wonderful to be back at school in a community that was caring and kind and compassionate and loving and just held me. Grief is a very personal thing. Um, and it pops up when you're least expecting it. It's not linear. And there were times where I just had to say, Look, I'm going home now, I can't, I can't be here now. Or I would go into one of my VP's office and turn up in the morning and say, Look, I've just, I just I'm having a moment. And that has to be fine. And a cup of tea would arrive. And I think that's important. You know, unfortunately, one of my members of staff this week has also had, you know, a diagnosis, and we need to find a way to support that member of staff compassionately.

SPEAKER_00 40:10

In you sharing this and in being with you and talking with you about this, I'm I'm just so struck by how important it is that we bring compassion into leadership. And in many places, it's very lacking at the moment because it's through that compassion, both yours for other people, but then also other people for you, that has created a kind of safe or bold perhaps space within which you could function and carry on working when you could, not working when you couldn't, being yourself. And that also, I imagine, created that space for the boys as well, so that they knew that they could be in that way and for other leaders and the school and other teachers and other staff members.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

I mean, it's interesting. I came back in April, um, and that's just two weeks, two months before the end of the school year. I didn't do any of the front-facing things, like I didn't do any of the graduation speeches or any of the end-of-year show. I just wasn't there. They were things that I knew that I just couldn't face. But when I did show up, and you know, the parents were just amazing. The first time they all saw me was, you know, just incredibly kind and wonderful. But I do wonder about people in other industries in my position, like the CEOs of big companies, what would they have done? You know, how would their board have enabled them to lead through their own family trauma? But thank God I'm in the situation that I'm in, and I was able to carve that out for myself with the support of everybody around me. But I wonder, because we're all human, whatever industry, if you're the head of Google, Facebook, you know, whatever it is, you're still a human being. When Cheryl Sandberg lost her husband, she still had to turn up. I wonder how that was received. So I'm thankful that I'm in this industry and I'm thankful that I was able to carve out that time. I suppose I found the strength from within because I love my job. I love my job, and I love being here, and I love the kids, and seeing the kids smiling every day, you know, lifts my heart. Um and I'm doing work that is for the greater good. Yes. Yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

Well, maybe that's a moment for us to come full circle because I see that so beautifully in you. You're living a values-led, you're in your lane, if you like, yes, of what you should be doing. And so that also then was a container for you through this very, very, very challenging personal time. And you are an inspiration. And I hope that inspiration goes beyond the sector that you work in into other sectors, because because of the compassion that was around you, you were able to carry on working and leading, and you did that very beautifully. And that is inspiring, and let's hope that other organizations can also do that, can rally around people when there's a personal crisis and say, okay, how can we hold you up through this time and uh keep you at work because work is good for all of us, usually, and when it isn't good, we'll take care. And how can we do that? Yeah. So, as we're drawing to a close, what are the things that you would like to leave this conversation with?

SPEAKER_01 43:37

I think the importance of communities, and I say that in the plural, I surrounded myself with various different communities. I've got my school community, I've got obviously I've got friends and uh friends here in Singapore and my community in the UK. Prayer is something that's very important to me, and I set up a prayer group, I meditated every day, those sorts of things, keeping my own sense

Boundaries, self‑compassion, and delegation

SPEAKER_01 44:00

of self and taking care of myself and compassion of myself. But when you say, you know, what has this season of my life taught me about leadership? I lost my soulmate, he was my biggest cheerleader. He was the person that I would come home to and offload about how difficult my day was, and he would always be cheering me on from the sidelines, and that is very, very difficult. And, you know, I look for other people for that. I've spoken about my senior team a lot, and they have truly been incredible. I think I always do my best, and I always do my best with boundaries. Um, I know that my personal situation has highlighted how important teamwork is, like a million zillion times. And I think prioritizing has become super important to me. I love to get everything done on my to-do list every day. I'll, you know, I really do. But what really matters on the to-do list, decide is this something important? Is it urgent? Can it wait? And I think that's something, you know, really important. Having the right people on the team with you, making sure that they're, you know, this is what a succession plan is for, right? In a leadership team, you know, tap into your succession plan. I think that's very important. I've got a whole load of new staff this year. And one of the things that I am very particular about is maybe this, you know, answers a much earlier question of how do we take care of staff? What are the actions, the activities, or the habits? If I see that a member of staff is on the teams and teaming me or somebody after six o'clock or at the weekend, or sending an email at the weekend, I will ask them the next day, why are you working late at night? Why is work on your telephone? I don't have my emails on my telephone. I don't. And I tell staff that a lot. And I think that's really important about taking care of ourselves. So those are some of the reflections.

SPEAKER_00 46:01

Just as a final question, what's your hope for the future of leadership in schools and more broadly?

SPEAKER_01 46:09

In schools, I hope we are all doing the best for the students, for our children, to make sure that the future is a bright future. Technology, AI, telephones has thrust schools forward at a speed that we have never seen anything like it before in terms of change. So I think that's something important in terms of school leadership, that we are all up to date and that we as school leaders are continuously learning as well, that we are lifelong learners, super important. That more school leaders lead with compassion towards the children, towards our staff, and towards themselves. I have some new staff who tell me that their previous workplaces was celebrated if they worked at the weekends. And I hope, you know, at SMMIS I'm very clear about the work-life balance. I don't expect people to work late in the evenings. I'll remind them if I see them the next day, if they've sent a message or an email. And one of my new members of staff mentioned about creating safe spaces. And actually, we do create a safe space, but we also create bold spaces and brave spaces. And I hope that that's you know something that we all do. I think it's really, really important that we create brave spaces for our students and for our staff and for our parents and for you know every all of our stakeholders, that school leaders create a space that we all show up as human beings and we're kind to each other and compassionate is so, so important.

SPEAKER_00 47:40

I agree. And you are the living embodiment of that. And I'm so grateful that you were able to share with us both about how compassionate leadership shows up for you, and thank you for sharing your personal story, Elaine. Thank you. Inspiring, and I really am grateful to know you.

SPEAKER_01 48:00

Thank you so much, and thank you for inviting me, and thank you for all that you've done for our school, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to share some of my personal reflections.

SPEAKER_00 48:11

Thanks for listening to the Fulfilled Leader. If this episode resonated, share it with another leader or friend, and don't forget to follow the podcast so you never miss an episode. You can even rate end review. You can find more support and resources at genebalfour.com or come and say hello on LinkedIn. Take care and keep leading with heart.